I mentioned my husband and debt. He is a horrible money manager; when we married 10 years ago he owed $12,000 on credit cards, lived at home with his parents who did not make him help out with bills, whereas I owed only a $189 car note and was on my own taking care of living expenses. Then when we built our house 4 years ago it went spectacularly over budget; he built it as that's what he does for a living, and I'm convinced those poor money management skills had something to do with it soaring from his original estimate of $90,000 to $250,000. Then he goes this past year and buys himself 2 brand new trucks ($40,000 each), while I'm driving a small one with over 200,000 miles on it and a back-up that's 10 years old, both been paid off for years (he gets himself a new one at least every 2 years). So because of him we're in over $300,000 debt. Plus he stole $4500 from me recently and I found where he's been taking out home equity loans behind my back against the land we live on that my dad left to me when he died (meaning if all this isn't paid, I lose the last thing my father left me and will have no place to go, while my punk husband still stands to inherit almost 300 acres from his parents).
On top of that, he is a born again, fundemented Christian; I was too when we married so I can't really blame him for this one. But I moved on and of course have been accused of 'devil worship' because that's all they think about anything that's outside of their definition of Christianity. So because of that, I keep my metaphysical studies to myself; my progress in this area is severely stunted because of it and I feel horribly repressed and like I live in a pressure cooker.
I'm not a neat freak about housecleaning, but I am not at peace if it's too terribly bad around me, and I like to show a little pride in this white elephant house I'm paying for. But I have 9 cockatiels (actually 10 for this week as I'm babysitting a tiny tyrant that has destroyed my office), a yellow-naped Amazon that is the most ungrateful one beast on this planet (next to that husband), and a poor old dog who is at Death's door. I can not keep this house clean with this thundering herd, and my husband, who is an absolute pig, makes it worse. I spend hours every week taking care of this bunch and cleaning house, just to have them mess it up again 5 minutes after I finish cleaning. How can I be a responsible pet owner when I really want to chop all their heads off (except for the dog)???
I work in the office of a large organization, and the office politics are disheartening. I get so sick and tired of the fake personalities, the horrendous waste of money I see every day, the crook who administration didn't prosecute when his embezzlement was discovered (the only reason I can see why they wouldn't is they didn't want their own crooked ways discovered and their gravy trains ended), the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do management, the psycho beeatch I work for, the wimpy director of our dept who will not stand up for us, the general unfairness, the pathetic 1.5% raises, and having to get up at 5:15 a.m. to go to a job I hate. I don't mind working at all, but a mentally healthier environment would be nice. And because of the debt mentioned above, I can't trade it for a lesser paying but better for me job.
Let's not talk about the government. My disgust for them is boundless. They are the biggest organized crime racket in this country and there's not a blasted thing we poor indentured servants.... I mean taxpayers... can do about it. If we did the things they do, we'd be in jail.
My dog is over 18 years old, and I watch her get weaker every day. I won't go into detail because if I do I'll start crying all over my keyboard, but she does not have much longer. I spend hours every week just with her because I'm afraid each one is the last one. I wish I could get rid of all this other clutter from my life and go back 15 years when it was just she and me, living in a tiny mobile home, without that damn husband screwing life up for us. Oh, how do I move forward when backward looks so much better?
So. Even though I have no one major factor going wrong in my life, there are so many little ones that they are overwhelming. How do I climb out of this rut before it becomes a grave, which actually sounds pretty good at the moment? How do any of us have the strength to go on when life has no real point, no enjoyment, just year after year of work and worry and mental misery? If you know the answer, I'm all ears.
Believe me, I don't have much for answers, I'm not in the best of situations myself. It's internal for me instead of external, but in a way, I can relate to that feeling of overwhelming little things taking over your life. Just know that if you ever need to vent, I'm all ears. (or eyes, as the case may be.) In my opinion, writing it down, talking about it, it does help a little. My problems are little different... but still, write down your feelings. It's worth a try. Good luck...
Crysiira10:38 AM CST